I actually read this the other day when you first posted it and was eagerly about to share it with my partner when I noticed it disappeared, so I did wonder if everything was alright!
Thank you so much for writing this. I also have a massive tendency to need to fix things, so I can so feel this with you.
I know it can often seem like we have it all figured out in our writing more than is reality, but reading through this I felt so reassured. You are so so right - if they feel loved, wanted and safe then this is all that matters. Negative emotions are part of life, and allowing them to feel them fully with you by their side, however painful, is so powerful. It sounds like you are doing a simply wonderful job, and he is so lucky to have you.
My mother did literally zero of these things for me, and I felt none of those good things, so I can attest to how different this all sounds to someone who has actually been ruined by their parents!
Anyway, thanks for writing. It feels full of wisdom for me.
Kate, this has made me genuinely quite emosh! Thank you. You won’t know the impact of your words but they were so needed. I have definitely been in my head the past few days and it can be tough to have compassion for yourself in those moments but it’s so important that we do!
I think you’re right - writing can sometimes feel like a place where we make sense of things a little more neatly than they actually play out. I took it down in a wobbly moment. Thank you for coming back to it 🩷
You are always so kind and thoughtful in the things you write, and I just want to say, for someone who says they were ruined, you come across with so much warmth, insight and care and I hope you know how clearly your goodness shines through - truly.
Oh and my son found some woodlouse under a plant pot this afternoon and I, again, immediately thought of you!
Ah Jennie, I'm so glad. It is indeed really hard to find compassion for ourselves when we're in the thick of it. So important to remember that these moments pass. Plus, I'm always here to find compassion for you—I think you're doing a wonderful job (at the writing and the mothering!) Thank you for re-uploading the piece.
Gosh, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean an awful lot. I think the only silver lining of having my mother is that I've been so determined to be the opposite of her and to lead with kindness and understanding and patience. But the fear is so real that I will, after all, turn into her somehow! It just makes me so determined to highlight the good when I see it!
I feel like all I do is share how hard it is to parent Little One and how terrible I feel 🤦🏻♀️when there are so many moments of joy each day. And I appreciate them. Maybe I should start to list them so you can all hear how funny and cute he can be 🤣
I don’t doubt how cute and funny he can be! Sometimes when I let myself just relax into things I just burst out laughing at my son doing something that I’d otherwise have maybe brushed over or missed because I was too busy being “busy”! Mothering is a ride!
I’m glad you reposted as it’s an important reminder that there’s always positives even during hard times however short or long they may be and that there will always be hard parts to our days, our weeks, our lives, but generally they’re not the parts we hold on to and remember.
You often ask me about specifics of when you were young and so often I’ll say I can’t remember. What I do remember is a feeling of contentment and happiness but I know there’ll have been times of the complete opposite- I just don’t remember.
Feeling safe, secure and loved is, as Dad says, all we really need and your son ( feels odd not saying his name 🫣) most definitely does feel all those things and I’m very glad you did too.
As to needing therapy, I have wondered if you’d need it because of me 🤷🏼♀️. The mum guilt is always there even though it does get less as the years go by 🤦🏼♀️.
I’m so glad you found that part particularly helpful. It really is a good thing to remember. And thank you for sharing it helped. I added an addendum to the piece because I actually took it down after having another hard evening and thinking I had no business posting it! But have since reshared because it sort of proves my point 🤣 x
this book looks gorgeous — thank you for not gatekeeping it. the older my sons get, the more i feel those ‘am i doing it all wrong? will they need therapy?’ worries creeping in. but i keep reminding myself: we don’t have to be perfect, not even close. we’re human, & part of raising children is showing them that humanity & fallibility are woven into life. so please don’t be too hard on yourself — you’ve done, & are doing, so much right. (now i just need to remember to take my own advice.)
I actually read this the other day when you first posted it and was eagerly about to share it with my partner when I noticed it disappeared, so I did wonder if everything was alright!
Thank you so much for writing this. I also have a massive tendency to need to fix things, so I can so feel this with you.
I know it can often seem like we have it all figured out in our writing more than is reality, but reading through this I felt so reassured. You are so so right - if they feel loved, wanted and safe then this is all that matters. Negative emotions are part of life, and allowing them to feel them fully with you by their side, however painful, is so powerful. It sounds like you are doing a simply wonderful job, and he is so lucky to have you.
My mother did literally zero of these things for me, and I felt none of those good things, so I can attest to how different this all sounds to someone who has actually been ruined by their parents!
Anyway, thanks for writing. It feels full of wisdom for me.
Kate, this has made me genuinely quite emosh! Thank you. You won’t know the impact of your words but they were so needed. I have definitely been in my head the past few days and it can be tough to have compassion for yourself in those moments but it’s so important that we do!
I think you’re right - writing can sometimes feel like a place where we make sense of things a little more neatly than they actually play out. I took it down in a wobbly moment. Thank you for coming back to it 🩷
You are always so kind and thoughtful in the things you write, and I just want to say, for someone who says they were ruined, you come across with so much warmth, insight and care and I hope you know how clearly your goodness shines through - truly.
Oh and my son found some woodlouse under a plant pot this afternoon and I, again, immediately thought of you!
Ah Jennie, I'm so glad. It is indeed really hard to find compassion for ourselves when we're in the thick of it. So important to remember that these moments pass. Plus, I'm always here to find compassion for you—I think you're doing a wonderful job (at the writing and the mothering!) Thank you for re-uploading the piece.
Gosh, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean an awful lot. I think the only silver lining of having my mother is that I've been so determined to be the opposite of her and to lead with kindness and understanding and patience. But the fear is so real that I will, after all, turn into her somehow! It just makes me so determined to highlight the good when I see it!
What a find!! 🔎 😉
I feel like all I do is share how hard it is to parent Little One and how terrible I feel 🤦🏻♀️when there are so many moments of joy each day. And I appreciate them. Maybe I should start to list them so you can all hear how funny and cute he can be 🤣
I don’t doubt how cute and funny he can be! Sometimes when I let myself just relax into things I just burst out laughing at my son doing something that I’d otherwise have maybe brushed over or missed because I was too busy being “busy”! Mothering is a ride!
It sure is that!
So relatable and so beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you - it can be tough out here! ❤️
It sure can <3
I’m glad you reposted as it’s an important reminder that there’s always positives even during hard times however short or long they may be and that there will always be hard parts to our days, our weeks, our lives, but generally they’re not the parts we hold on to and remember.
You often ask me about specifics of when you were young and so often I’ll say I can’t remember. What I do remember is a feeling of contentment and happiness but I know there’ll have been times of the complete opposite- I just don’t remember.
Feeling safe, secure and loved is, as Dad says, all we really need and your son ( feels odd not saying his name 🫣) most definitely does feel all those things and I’m very glad you did too.
As to needing therapy, I have wondered if you’d need it because of me 🤷🏼♀️. The mum guilt is always there even though it does get less as the years go by 🤦🏼♀️.
I can only hope he wants to come home every weekend 🩷
Thank you for this excellent reminder - timely too as we go into the last couple of weeks of the school holidays!
I hadn't heard of the peak-end hypothesis but I think it will be VERY useful for me! 🙏
I’m so glad you found that part particularly helpful. It really is a good thing to remember. And thank you for sharing it helped. I added an addendum to the piece because I actually took it down after having another hard evening and thinking I had no business posting it! But have since reshared because it sort of proves my point 🤣 x
Love is all we need. (Any of us, of any age).
What a song 🩷
this book looks gorgeous — thank you for not gatekeeping it. the older my sons get, the more i feel those ‘am i doing it all wrong? will they need therapy?’ worries creeping in. but i keep reminding myself: we don’t have to be perfect, not even close. we’re human, & part of raising children is showing them that humanity & fallibility are woven into life. so please don’t be too hard on yourself — you’ve done, & are doing, so much right. (now i just need to remember to take my own advice.)